SCHLEM THE HALF-ORC

Da Book od Schlem, according ta Schlem

Dis be me life. Me all started when me Mutha, a midy Orc fightah take a likin ta dis Ooman warrior she beats up. Aftah she takin what she wantin from him me born. Not right aftah, but later aftah. Me put in da cave wid da udder Orcs. Da cave mutha always bein mean ta me. She be callin me names like oogly and smelly and stuff like dat. Me no likin dat much. Me trains hard and one day me leaves da cave and searches da village. All da udder Orcs always tellin me how me a guest od da Orcs and ta watch meself. Me find da shaman an one day me prays ta Gruumsh. He comes gives me task and den when me finishes me be his followah. Me goes round meetin peoples and killin peoples. Me finds dat money be good ding ta have. So me starts hirin meself out fer money. Me makes name fer meself purdy fast. Me kills lots of stoopid peoples. Me havin spend time in da dungeon in da cidy Watahdeep couple times. Dat ok cause people still hirin me ta kills peoples or finds dings. Me be purdy smart Orc cause me can writes. You must be purdy smart too cause you can readin dis. Me fergits why me writin dis. Oh yeah, me members. Me gonna tells story fer you. Me change da names so noone gits upset. One day dis rude, oogly Ooman be sayin dings ta Schlempt (dat where me change name, it was me Schlem, but me said me change names). Anywahs he be bein mean ta Schlempt. Udders start ta laugh and say mean dings too. Well dis remind Schlempt od dat time when he in da cave wid da cave mutha. Schlem get, err Schlempt gits upset wid dis and he start tellin dat stoopid Ooman dat he gonna gits killed ifin he keepin it up. Den you know what dat Ooman say next? Well me tells you, dat Ooman he saying, "Yeah sure you will kill me that is what your warboss keeps saying too." Imagine da nerve! Dere be dis weezard dere dat wantin dis Ooman dead too, so he helpin me finds him wid magicks. So me findin hims in dis temple. Me tacks him and kills him and dis temple guard starts tackin me. Me leaves so me no kills guard cause it not his fault he no smart and no know why me killin dis udder Ooman. Den dis goddess appears and says, "gits youself outta here now!" So me leavin and den she yells out, "Schlempt and dat weezard no mores can comes in me temple", or sumpdin like dat. Well dat me story fer dat one me kills. Hopes you likin read dis. Maybe me writes more sumday. Schlempt, I mean Schlem.